Living across cultures – is it necessary to integrate?
Have you ever dreamed of abandoning your mundane life and moving to foreign shores? Do you feel you’re stuck in a rut and need new scenery and adventure? Do you imagine yourself happily ever after in your new life in Provence surrounded by lavender, hazy summer days, the sound of crickets and all washed down with a delicious glass of rosé? Well, read on to discover what might happen when you get there, not meaning to burst your bubble of course, but there are a few things you might like to know first about crossing the cultural divide!
Human beings have for centuries migrated and moved homes from one country to another, but is this a natural thing to do? Are we not programmed to stay amongst our clan where we are accepted and feel a sense of belonging? Where we ultimately feel safe? Many people try a new experience for a few years, often for work opportunities, but then inevitably drift right back to base to be amongst their own, where they feel home is. No-one can blame them for this, if it brings stability and peace, then it is the right move. However, some go long haul and have to face the inevitable pains of cross-cultural living and, at some stage or another, traverse an inevitable stage of adaptation. This is a necessary change in order to stay long term in a new place and create a new home. Nowadays, working remotely has become very easy to do and in these uncertain times of Covid and lockdown, an obligatory adjustment.
What I observe though is that foreigners will gravitate towards their clan no matter where they live. Expat communities grow from this need of belonging and acceptance. We gravitate towards people with a similar outlook on life who have a shared culture and sense of self. This is inevitable and healthy. However, it can also hinder integration into a new culture if we do not reach a fine balance. Unfortunately, finding this balance requires change and maybe even relinquishing a part of your anchored old beliefs and culture in order to open up to an alternative way of living and seeing the world.
Personally, I feel very lucky to have been introduced to a new culture quite early on in my life in France. Living within a French family means fast and immediate, almost imposed change but as you can imagine, it does not come without a certain amount of pain and discomfort. Is it worth it? Most definitely, but how do you achieve this and still stay true to yourself? I honestly believe it’s in the power of “duality”!
So do you need to grow another head?
This evokes images of Greek mythology and Hydras but is it really necessary to have multiple heads and/or personas to live across cultures? At one time I believed this to be true and figured I had to mould myself to either culture in order to fit in with one or the other. However, I realise with age and maturity that in fact I can stay mono-headed and be myself living with both cultures and I’ve also found it can be as enriching as it is frustrating. I’ll list the pros and cons that I’ve found about living within 2 cultures. You can see if any of these resonate with you and then leave me your comments and share your experience.
Why it can be frustrating living with 2 cultures….
- Sometimes you just don’t know which camp you belong in and feel in no-man’s land “le cul entre deux chaises” ( your a** in between 2 chairs)
- The more you live in one culture, the more nostalgic you become for the other and tend to romanticise it
- Misunderstandings are bound to happen as you negotiate foreign territory and often “just don’t get it”!
- You feel misunderstood as a person and seem to spend your life explaining yourself
- You feel like a spare part in conversations about what people used to watch on TV or miss jokes and anecdotes with cultural references (even when they’re explained at length!!)
- No-one understands your humour and your jokes fall flat in the winter or get taken first-hand so you have to constantly say “C’était une blague”! “Je blaguais”! (It was a joke / I was joking)!
The beauty about it…
- You feel like everyday you discover something new, like a little kid life is one big adventure
- You start to feel more and more integrated in to your life as you can relate to and understand people much more than you did before
- You become more open-minded as you can see life from another perspective
- You enjoy being part of the community and playing your part
- You develop new habits such as your daily trip to the market where you buy local produce and chat to local people
- People get to know you and like and accept you as part of the furniture
- Life becomes more fun and interesting
- You develop a new sense of security and belonging
So it’s easy to see the pitfalls, but just how do you get to the benefits? Well, like most things in life, time is a major factor, but there are a few things I think you can do to speed up the process…. but watch out, it takes willpower and good old-fashioned stealth! Are you ready? Roll up your sleeves and…
- LEARN THE LANGUAGE! I’m not just saying this because I’m a language teacher either. You are trying to get to a place of connection. Connection between humans is created more often than not through conversation. Mastering the language is essential to forming any sort of deeper bond and allowing people to get to know you. Make the effort, enroll in a course, take lessons online, get more immersed. Look at my other posts on how to learn French!
- Show Up! You need to get out there in the community and get seen. This means regularly showing up and investing in local life. It can be as simple as taking a daily coffee in the local bar or as previously said going to the market. Either way, make sure you are approachable and friendly and be patient. In time, people will get curious about your continued presence.
- Volunteer! This takes balls of steel but is one of the best ways of benefiting from cross-cultural living. Volunteer to help in the community for events and associations. There is NO better way than creating connection than this, but once again be patient and expect it to take time and effort. If you have kids, then school trips are a must!
- Invite! The apéro or goûter are events in themselves and inviting neighbours or people in the village to your house is a sure way of creating friendly relationships and getting to know the local culture and history. They also love having a nosy around your house!
- Be consistent! All the above need to be on repeat mode. If you only do these things once or sporadically, you will find it very hard to integrate into a new life and culture. Showing that you are there for the long haul is essential.
You may be quite happy living your life as an expat amongst expats, and I am not judging you for that. On the contrary, I absolutely understand that this in itself can bring balance and contentment. These parallel communities are found more often than not throughout the world and I’m not here for an anthropological debate. What I’m trying to communicate is that this sense of belonging can really enrich your life in your adopted country, probably more than you realise. It reduces frustration and misunderstanding and allows you to live more harmoniously. The richness added to the tapestry of your life is one that you simply can’t ever regret, a beautiful part of your life’s journey.
Bon voyage!